mondays are hard.

mondays have become increasingly hard. its the day we spend with our nepali friends. even as i type i'm looking down at the film they let me borrow last week (ah nothing like action/love/musical foriegn films) and the red nail polish so nicely covering my left hand. their friendship offerings, affirmation of acceptance. and i loose myself in the joy of discovering these sweet and beautiful little girls and at the same time see the brokeness of their lives staring back at me. and tonight, again my heart aches beyond words i can write. and my mind is pulled to a third story bedroom and a wooden bench against a stained postered wall. perhaps sarah really is right, perhaps God is showing me something i could throw my life into. but for tonight, i'll go to bed again begging for mercy on behalf of these beloved. may justice come. and life be made new...goodnight.

weekly reflections.

wow, what a week. we had some good friends visit from bangalore. they're the kind that you hope to be connected with the rest of your life. quality. and they spent three of their vacation days, VACATION days, in sunny kolkata to see us, bringing encouragement, prayer, good stories and treating us to dang good pizza. if any of you decided to take some of your vacation time in sunny paradise kolkata i might even consider taking you out for fire and ice pizza, soo, who's ready to jump on the plane...

as it warms up around here i realize how easily irritation replaces softness. how quickly after returning from nepal that i retreat into the reactions i know so well. i fight so hard to replace. i do not simply want to survive in kolkata. i want to thrive. i want to function in the softness, joy, peace, love, kindness that i know is available to me. as tammy and her team reminded me in their prayers, my strength, power, annoitnting comes from creating space to be with Jesus. a feat that certainly doesn't come without strain sometimes. and that my work here is not who i am. that i must be identified by God, not by the girls, not by teams that i lead, not by living in kolkata. but by being a daughter of the king. its so easy to get wrapped up in the work, the results, what we can accomlish. but if all that taken away what will be left. this is the lesson i'm in the midst of and long to grab hold of early in my kolkata life. ahh, identity and space. good reminders. to bring transformation and new life.

in other thoughts. i'm reading another great book. servant team...t-minus melissa i didn't get much love on the last one. one strike for you all...but this one is inspiring in many ways. three cups of tea is its name. and after my own four day tramp through the hymalayas i'm almost 100% confirmed that i don't really care to try and climb K2 in pakistan any time soon even if it does mean meeting some sweet sweet village people along the way. anyways, you should check it out.

and lastly, and most random. i've been dreaming of getting my own camera phone. an obession of mine for quite a long time now but i've taken it to a whole new level, as i dream of creating a camera phone blog to share with the world all those classic acting natural pose treasures we stumble across just by default of living in kolkata. how many times have i sighed to kristin and sarah...oh, if only i had a camera phone right now. so keep your eyes pealed, camera phone blog will be in the works.

so anyways, been a good week. preparing to enjoy my weekend and study bangla. and maybe try to watch a nepali film that some of our friends from the gach so graciously let me borrow. in their own words...there's fighting singing dancing, oh it will make you cry. yes, thats so true, nothing like a 3 hour foriegn musical to bring one to tears...

unexpected.

ah easter. a day of beautiful celebration. in unexpected ways. in unplanned places. discoveries of my dearest friends on our symphonic veranda. communion of the sweetest types. breaking bread, serving wine. and remembering provision from the God who loves. us. and helps us love. and tracing through a year of great great loves.

and it's not every easter you get to be inspired by 2nd rate action movies like 10, 000 BC. i'm considering myself lucky this day. and not everyday i get to be motivated to grow out my hair into sweet dread locks...yet another by product of the aforementioned 2nd rate movie... (but nepal cuz's if it comes to you, you've got to see it!) although, mom, don't you get worried no dread locks, at least not today, can't risk the lice you know... and not every easter you get sunrise services in kolkata, with no sunrise and soggy drawers. (just don't call em knickers when talking to a british man, apparently women's underware have different code words in other english speaking countries...) who knew rain would come in march. global warming folks. global warming. and who knew i'd look down the path of the year, thankful that i have no idea whats ahead, and hold my breath in the way we do as kids when we know something really cool is about to happen, or when you hold a little tighter to the swing when you're about to get an underdog. i'm holding on tight because i know if i don't my belly's gonna flip. and i think really cool things are already happening in our midsts around here...i'm celebrating today, a God of gentleness and kindness and big irrational crazy love filled dreams that don't get accomplished because of my brute strength or that of those around me. but through the hands of one resurrected on this day we just enjoyed.

what a sweet unexpected day. and the week has only yet begun.

amen.

happy Holy.

today is holi. that one day of the year that all rules, gender segregated boundaries, and desires of staying clean are tossed to the wayside. and folks around india will donn their play clothes in order to throw powdered color on each other. we played a day early at SB because ain't nothin gettin us out of the house today... i'm still picking pink clumps from my hair. and looking like i just played high school powder puff from the green streaks stained on my cheeks. but as something done among friends. a celebration of folks you love. i see a beautiful expression. and as we move from this season of lent to a season of celebration (again thank you david landt for reminding me of this great movement!) i see that on this good friday, i contain a space to invite celebration in. moving from a season of no's to a season of yes. and reflection on the God of life in the face of death. the savior of suffering and the promise of great love. happy holy.

nuggets of the journey

kolkata's heating up. and my minds twists backwards to remember a few days back, snuggled under the thickness of a toasty woolen blanket. something i couldn't be paid money to endure as the heat picks up in k town...so anyways, as i turn around to remember the loveliness and peace and retreat to nepal. here's a few crumbs from the journey...

in parts. nepal reflections.

well, i'm back from the mountains. feeling somewhat like moses after his descent from his high places of retreat and contemplation. though, t-minus seeing my friends worshiping golden calves and such.

it was such a sweet sweet time away. taking personal retreat time, for contemplation and reflection and prayer. it's a discipline i want practice to the end of my days. and i've brought back to kolkata fresh perspective, hope, and fight. in an attempt to keep things simple i'm going to break my nepal time into parts...because honestly, trecking through the hymalayas deserves a page all to itself. so stay tuned for treck fest 99, a tour through the mountains of nepal. or title #2 with just a flint and knife how beth could have survived the dangers of nepal...pictures to come.

but first things first. my humble processings:

i thought i was coming to nepal to figure things out. to get a grasp on what's ahead, next, future. i needed to make a plan.

but i realize i didn't retreat to line things up or discover my life's direction in just three easy days. instead, i unfolded things much deeper. more basic.

confession and forgiveness.

bitterness and joy.

reminders of hope as a lifestyle.

and peace that lights my path.

i thought i was coming for a new catalyst. direction. revelation. instead i arrived, to be. reflection over the past year has led me to one consistant prayer like a line of stones paving my way leading me somewhere new, necessary. redefined identity. and i see it happening, in the midst of it we never see what's truly taking root but over our shoulder a whole new perpsective can take shape. and i'm looking back seeing what has happened. and i've arrived home bearing witness to newness. and the melting that happens when i truly let down. and let Christ in to move and speak and remind.

i thought i would be called into something new. instead i was called back to the simplicity of Christ's call: you're called to suffer with. in essence to, love. all things grow from these seeds.

so i leave you with this reflection from my retreat:

surrounded by kathmandu, outside these picture windows, a snapshot of life. i'm grasping to contain.

i'm asking for a melting away of this last year. of the abuse done to my body and ears. the anger i've held against my chest so tightly. the helplessness i've felt. the words i've swallowed. the loneliess. and longing for a partner. the ache for purpose and the need to be identified. the pain of seeing girls commercialized and the trauma that comes from drawn down curtains. please give me a heart of forgiveness. a heart of repentance. a promise of redemption. melt me. and tattoo something new upon my heart. amen.

watch out boys...

the other day after morning mental health at sari bari. we were all feeling a little inspired from hearing about the kind of king jesus is...who takes the smallest of things and having planted them within, grows a big tree. a nice paraphrase eh? so basically, loosely translated, sarah asked the ladies to ask on our behalf,that God would grow some marriages for us...ha! right then and there they decided they'd better start praying for some nice young men. it was great. all i have to say is, watch out boys, when our ladies start dishing up there requests to the Father, ain't nothing stopping Him...of course they all think we need to wed nice Bengali boys to keep us planted here in west bengal. to which i reply...if he has a mustache its just not possible. prayers or no prayers i don't do the stache. however i did tell them that if they're making an order for me, i'll take one that will wake up and cook and clean each day for me...i don't think they know what to do with me most days, seeing how it looks like i'm asking for a bengali house wife...maybe i should just hire a maid...

as i sit here at my desk this morning looking at a picture taken of my friends and i on my birthday i just feel so full, thinking of these ladies we have come to know as our family. full of life, full of strength, and suffering, and beauty, and dreams. our friends. our family. i often remind them that i've left my home, my mom and dad and chachi...but i have recieved them in return. they remind me of hope, that lives can change. that dignity can be restored and names redeemed. because there's days when i question it all. there's days that linger in my mind like a stinging wood fire's smoke. squelching my hope. there's days when i wonder if the girls trafficked from nepal will ever retrace their steps home. if life made new is an option for them. there's days i descend those stairs feeling nauseous from the things i've seen inside.
i've been reading that we need to take the crucified poor down from the cross if we are really to call ourselves part of christ's church. but when it comes to these girls i feel like a statue, frozen in time. forced to watch their crucifiction in replay again and again and again. through the lustful glances of waiting customers, owners taking their 210 ruppees of payment, and a drawn down curtain-a linen wall of privacy...as we sit sipping cha on Madam's bed, forcibly ignoring this reality...

but then a glace back at my picture, shining faces staring hope into my morning. and remember the god of impossible, irrational dreams. that answers prayers for husbands. and takes care of the oppressed and loves justice and mercy. and knows about the nepali girls in even greater details than i could possibly endure.
and through this reality i'll continue to walk in hope. fighting to unleased the crucified from their cross even if for now, only through the tears i cry on their behalf.

what, i'm heading to nepal?

so, i'm leaving for nepal on thursday. yep, six months already come and gone and now its time for another visa run. thank you india for forced retreat times. really though i'm quite looking forward to this week in the mountains. though the unrest in nepal at the moment is as fluid as the changing tide it seems....sadly its the nepalis themselves who feel the strain, i might only be inconvienced by less electricity or something. "oh the suffering..." however, i'm looking forward to the days i'm taking to retreat and process and pray and write and read and contemplate. yes, all these things. getting away from kolkata allows me space to look into the place i am, and the places i'm heading. and there's a lot of looking to be had i believe. so if you think of it, do send a nice prayer up for me as i seek God about my future in kolkata, my place, where and how to pour myself out, and how to, in the words of the lovely miss sarah lance "radically and irrationally dream", i like that. suits me nicely i think.

then i'll meet kristin and her mom and great aunt for a few days of trecking through the mountains. ha! imagine taking sweet little trails through villages of the himalayas! "oh the suffering". honestly, its all in the name of visa run... besides nothing recharges a gal like some time in the good old open creation. breathing something in besides diesel fumes and lingering urine residue...

in other news, its offically the end of cold season. i'm sure this is just the beginning of me updating you all on the process of the kolkata boil fest. it only grows higher from here. anyone interested in a visit yet...

also, a small update on my friend Imagination. she's walking!!!! doing great at rehab, some of us went to visit her today and it was such a sweet visit, thank to those of you (servant team namely) who have given towards her, your investment in her life is moving moutains. what a beautiful woman, with such grand potential within her. i wish you could all get one of her big hugs and two cheek smooches!

so there you go, another one for the books (mostly for you becca...since i hadn't written in a while and well, what else will you do in the evenings if not read my blog :)
oh and there's a book i'm reading right now called Animal's People. by Indra Sinha i thought about issuing a post 2007 Servant Team required reading special online discussion about it because its so doggone good. but instead i'll just strongly suggest, i mean, if you love your servant team coordinator and all, that you try to pick this book up, its a tough read, though not quite as rough as Bitter chocolate, but its really good so far. and for the rest of you who haven't endured beth waterman monday night book discussions and dinner/disturbing movie time. well, lets just say, you've missed out...but i'd let you join my post ST online book discussion anyways.
and on that note.
goodnight.